My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
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Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
as is their right
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is