I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
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confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.