So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
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Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
*feels the wind in my toe hair
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”