“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
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I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
We decided to have money instead of children.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it