Secret Panel HERE 🔪
You Might Also Like
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.