Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
You Might Also Like
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Mhm.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol