So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
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Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see