What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
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If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.