[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
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[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
What number SPF blocks people?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
called in thicc to work this morning