Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
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I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Single and childfree like Jesus
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”