I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
You Might Also Like
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I’ve had relationships like this
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.