FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
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Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.