*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
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I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”