No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
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I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
584.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I’d use my best pan on you.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.