Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
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The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now letβs do a silly one
Iβd say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that weβre not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
no one likes gloating
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
boss: youβre late
me: and you are not the father
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Iβm no therapist but Iβd suggest that the fact that youβve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, itβs how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.