Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
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[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy