COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
You Might Also Like
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]