#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
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Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
How can I say no to this ?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face