Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
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Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now Iâm in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named âSnakeâ.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: whoâs your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but heâs the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
âIt looks like youâre in the middle of a workout.â
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji đ)
Make your own ârestaurant styleâ salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Lawyer: Is there any chance theyâll find the victimâs DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your gâ
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
đđđ
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, Iâm like right here.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not