Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
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Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.