This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
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Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
How dramatic are you?
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.