*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
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Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end