King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
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I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.