Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
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Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.