*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
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me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I’m having an out of money experience.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane