“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
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Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
i made a craigslist ad !
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with