23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
You Might Also Like
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
wow
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
School be like
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.