There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
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I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.