RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
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Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
What my back needs
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.