[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
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A man of commitment.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
That eye roll….
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.