As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
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Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.