Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
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Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Bro what is this
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or