When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
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Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room