I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
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T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Interior design 👌
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.