Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
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HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?