is there nothing we can trust anymore
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My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Message from the dog groomers
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉