[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
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[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*