my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
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[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal