Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
You Might Also Like
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
“TGIM!” – My liver
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes