I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
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My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
cats when you pet them too long:
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.