A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
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dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape