Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
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I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like