lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
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A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.