Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
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I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Dammit Chief not again
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*