dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
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two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Happy Friday
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good