In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
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my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
dogs can find happiness so easily
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.