People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
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It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together