Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
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Can. I. Help. You.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids