[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
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[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.