There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
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Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?